Hey birthday girl, smile please

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. 

Finally, after waiting for too long, I'm officially 19 now. And guess what, it wasn't the birthday I've ever dreamed of. I cried almost every time when I'm alone this whole day. I'm missing my mom, I'm missing home, I'm missing my bestfriend, I'm missing my man. I'm sick. Mixed feeling, can't control my emotions. I can break down so easily whenever someone ask me "Why?". Just don't ask, not now. Not when I'm in a fragile moment. Every year, I'll celebrate my birthday with joy, laughter, love and people I care the most around me. But not now. Not today. Not this year. This is the bad birthday I've ever had. I don't even feel like celebrating it. 

I'm hallucinating of being at home right now. And just be happy in my room. Feeling satisfy, feeling like a princess. The more I write, the more tears fall down from my face. I've tried not to cry. But these tears just won't listen. It keeps on falling down. Like a waterfall that will never stop falling. What I need the most right now is not presents. I need a hug. A hug from mom to tell me that everything will be okay and she'll be here with me all along. I need it the most. I need my man to sit next to me and keep on repeating 'I Love You' so it can make my heart feels better. I need my sisters to be around me, so I can laugh at their attempt to make jokes and make me smile. I need my bestfriend to be here with me, to wipe my tears away whenever it falls. 

Ya Allah, for my birthday this year, I won't ask for more, all I want from you is to forgive all my sins and please please please give me the strength to move on for another month and this will all be over InsyaAllah. And please protect the people I care the most from Satan, pain, sins, and anything bad. Please give me strength. Cause I need it. 

Hey birthday girl, happy birthday. Smile. For the sake of yourself and people around you.

Mawar.

Why?

Why do you have to judge someone for his/her dark past? Is it necessary to do that? Do you think it is. Everyone has a dark past, nobody hasn't including you. Have you ever heard this, "Everyone deserves a second chance". Yes, everyone do deserves a second chance/ Just because he/she had a dark past, doesn't mean they are forever bad, disgusting, irritating or even queer. Past is a past, you just have to accept that. If you love someone, you will accept what really happened for their past and believed that the person has changed for his/her own good. You don't have the right to make them cry or sad just by remembering their past. It's true, some people are trying so hard to forget what happened on their past. Do you think it helped them when you keep bringing the things up? No, you're just hurting them more. Give them space. Sometimes, there are things you can't change, it's all by their own will. They forget what they want to forget. You don't have the right to make them remember it again. Try to understand deep into that person heart. What if you're on their shoes. Will you feel comfortable with it? When you said you love, it means you accept someone. Accept their dark past, accept their weaknesses, accept their little love from a big heart, accept that he/she really meant for you. Yes, you have to accept. Past can change someone. That's what you have to believe. I'm 19 and I do have my own dark past. It happen when I still a kid. A teenager. Where I don't think twice in doing something, where I made a lot of mistakes. Since then, I've changed. Changed for what happened in past. I don't want to repeat the same thing again. Past taught me that life always gave chances. Allah gives chances. So please, past is just past. Don't judge someone by it. Accept their changes.

Changed, 

Nurul Hidayah.

IT'S THE MATTER OF LIFE

Writing while imagining I'm sitting at the edge of it.

What should I right now? I got thousands of words to be written and I don;t even know how to express it. It's so hard since everything you post or say now will be judge. Yes it will, no matter from whom. Even if this is like an online diary for me,it's hard to spill everything out. People will be nonstop judging and I will be over-thinking about that. Abut what the horrible thing people will say. Life matter really does get harder when we gets older. As for now, I've lived in this world for almost 19 years and I've faced through a lot of things. Love is just one of the thing I faced. And now, I have to worry about lots of thing. Contrast to my childhood, the only thing I have to worry about is what will I have to say to mom if I dirt my clothes. As easy as that. Growing older is really not a simple thing, it's challenging. Sure it does. Amsyar once said to me, it's about love "You know what babe, at the age of people like us, 18/19, love really doesn't matter. You don't have to break your heart every time you fell in love. It doesn't even a thing that you should think and keep inside your head. When the time comes, true love will find you, itself. You just have to live your life. You're a woman, a cheerful lady as I know you before. Be that girl again, cut out all of the crying and remember to smile and laugh. It will make you feel better. Sure it will. Don't over-think as it will only make you miserable" Mom once said "Life will not be easy to you. But it doesn't mean that life is going to be hard. You'll be okay if you know how to live your life perfectly as you wanted to because when life gets harder, remember, it just want to teach you how to be stronger."And I think back, he actually got the point there. Why should I cry every night over the same thing and all the matter that bother me and the haters when I can easily smile and laugh with my life and be happy. I shouldn't have thought too much about it. As now, I just have to live my life and be happy. Sayang, if one day you'll be reading this post. I really hope you won't misunderstood. I do love you, always. It's not that I hate you or something. I'm just trying to cheer myself up. This girl is on fire now, let her live. Be stronger.

The End.

IT'S ALL ABOUT 2013!

HEY THERE PEOPLE, 

Phs are just too mainstream.

Well first of all, I do wanna say Happy 2013 peeps. Time sure running so fast now. And I am unofficially 19 and will be official in abt 11 months more. Luls, who cares? I'm still 19. Haha I don't really hope much for this year. All I ever hope is just that let me change for good and be a better person. I know this new year won't even be nice to me like all the other years did except for my childhood years. So, I just hope I can face everything with my head up high and a smile on my face. It is better for me to just keep quiet when it hurts. (If you know what I mean) It won't change anything if I keep on arguing abt him. Men are just men which is so true and there's nothing I can do abt him. I just can pray and hope that someday he'll realize that this girl loves him with all her heart and she didn't expect more from him, she just wanted to be love. Yeah, I want him to actually appreciates me. Another hope for a new year. Hmp, I can't back down now cause I am not going to be weak just by small matters. I'll just keep on fighting and move on for the sake of my own future. Well, that is all. I don't really know what to wish on this new year post. All I hope is just that everything will gets better. In shaa Allah :)

The End. 

END OF HOLIDAY.

Things have been packed. 2 luggage sit still besides my bedroom door. I looked still at them with my two arms around my legs. The lanterns at the head of my bed are now shining in my dark room. Here I am, sitting at the edge of my bed, blogging. What else can I do? When else can I find a time to blog after this? December 2012 means I'm back into my hectic life. The life as a student. It's kinda sad cause I'm gonna leave my soft pillow and bed, my cute pink princess room, my cactus, my books, my imagination box, my closet and back to the college with small space of closet, such uncomfortable pillow and mattress, and of course, sharing rooms. Haha I never liked sharing rooms with people even when I'm a kid. I always have my own room. Haha. The truth. *okay, getting back to the mood* This is the sacrifices I have to make for achieving success. And I hope it'll be worth it in the end. Semester break, for this 1 month and 3 weeks break, I really enjoyed my time at home. Everything I want, I got at home. I can live with the imaginations from all of the novels. I can actually open up my closet and start to mix and match clothes. And I can possibly talk to all my cactus without worrying people might say I'm crazy for talking to the plants. Yes, home sweet home. But now, the semester break has comes to its end. I have one more day left to enjoy this moment. Frankly speaking, I don't really get excited in going back to the college even I knew that I can meet Aiman there. But I'm tired. Tired of having all the dramas there. And everything that will just make me feel sick. Fake friends, troublesome guys, rumors, backstabbers. I just hope I could ignore everything and move on with my life. Second semester, which means the last semester, I have to go through this all over again and stay alive in it. I know I can. I believe I can. Well then, until we meet again on May dear holiday. I'm looking forward for it. In shaa Allah we will. 

How the bed looks like on holiday. *Phs by tumblr.

Taking care of cactus.*Phs by tumblr

The best feelings ever when I actually got to talk with them. I'm gonna miss holiday. *Phs by Dy.

Finished 5 books in 1 month and 3 weeks semester break. I just love books. *Phs by Dy.

"Ya Allah, starting from this moment, please ease everything up for me, give me the strength that I need to face all the tests and obstacles that you'll give to me, and Ya Allah, protect me from any bad things. Amin"

Love, 

Nurul Hidayah.

18 IS MY AGE.

20th November - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF! :D

I had such a great birthday yesterday. What else can I say and ask for? Most of the wishes on my wish list are already granted. Haha Alhamdulillah. Thank you to Allah for still giving me the chance to live for 18 year. I'm grateful to that. I really am. And thanks to mom for hvng me into this world, carrying me in her belly for 9 months. Thanks to my dad for taking a good care of me until I've become 18 which means I'm already an adult. Hehe. & I should act like one. No more immature decision and playfulness. But, I still trying to get rid of that from myself. Seriously. Haha All I wish for this year is that I can be a better person to my parents, my sisters and to my Creator, Allah. I'm really happy for my birthday. But the sad things is, my girlfriends are not here with me. Hmp. Lilo is still in her 'conditions' and B is at KL, not coming back to Ipoh. I just want them to be with me like all the years before. I've never missed a year celebrating my birthday with them. But since we all get our own life now, everything changed. But I'm glad they still remember my birthday. And I can't wait to meet them a.s.a.p. And thanks to sayang too, for willing to be on the phone with me for just about 1 hour actually. Haha I miss talking to you. Thanks to Hotlink for the free calls. Well Alhamdulillah, now that I'm 18, everything I do, it's based on my own decision. So I should be a woman now, not a girl anymore. Not forgetting, for those who wished my birthday, thanks a lot! Really appreciated that. 

This is what I got for my birthday ;

A birthday card from dad. I love you dad!

A gift from sayang. Hehe. These two teddies are so cute. I named them Aiman & Nurul for us. Let him be the chef and I'm the cake holder. I love you :*

A birthday wish from Qi Razali. What else can I asked for? Haha getting a wish from him is on the top of my wish list. I'm so glad for it. Thanks Qi Razali.

And finally, Birthday Dinner at Nando's with my family. Mom treated us. Thanks mom. You know that I love Nando's. Hehe.

Thanks for today Ya Allah. 

Love,

Nurul Hidayah.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!

Dear dad, 

Happy 45th Birthday Daddy! 

Happy getting old day to you. I know that I'm suppose to say "You're 45 already?" But what's really on my mind is, "Seriously dad? You're just 45? I thought you're 50 something." Hahaha, sorry dad. but its the truth. You look old to me. Yeah, whatever it is, you'll always be my dad. I still remember, when we still live in under one roof, we always celebrated our birthday together cause mine is just 3 days after yours. I still hoping for that to happen again dad. How I miss you. Well, anyway, I just wanna say Happy Birthday and may Allah bless you with all His love. I'm sure He will. I love you dad. Like love love love love love a lot! Hahhaha, InsyaAllah, I'll go back to Ampang and give you your present. My hugs and kisses for you dad :) Hehe, have a happy life dad. I'm with you all along. 

With love, 

Your truly amazing awesome cutest brilliant little princess daughter. 

XOXO, love you dad :)

#PrimarySchoolMemories

#PrimarySchoolMemories got trend on the Twitter last night. It reminds me a lot of my primaries memories. 

I caught myself smile and laugh a little when I tweet about that. Lots of memories on primaries suddenly came out of my mind. I remember every little things that happen in primaries. I miss that moment so much. I still remember how I always have a sleepover at Arisyah's house almost like every week, chasing each other at school with Sara D, Firdaus and Zainul, danced on the High School Musical with Damia, Fara and Abidah, acting a hilarious drama in the class with Arshad, gossiping with Sara A. Oh, there's a lot of thing going on at that time. I couldn't even forget it if I want to. I realized that was the most amazing moment I ever had in my life. How happy I am when I was just a kid. No love, no pain. Just fun and friends. I still remember how cute I am in primaries. Went to school with my 'GIRLS' backpack, ponytails hair, and have this 'special' hand shake whenever I met my friends at school. I never thought how happy I am back then. If I have the chance to turn back the time, I'll go back to my primaries and live that moment for awhile. But I can't. Time will never turn back, it will keep moving on. So do I. So, let the memories stay here in my heart and in my mind so that whenever I feel depressed, frustrated, sad, angry and etc, I will look back at the memories and laugh my ass off in the room alone. If I have the chance to meet everyone in my primaries soon, I think we're gonna do some stupid things like we used to in our primaries. Haha. They are the true friends actually. No drama, no hatred, just fun and friendship. That is what my primaries are all about. 

Love,

Nurul Hidayah.