BELIEVER

You know, these days are never easy for me. It is not I can tell you that. o many unexpected things happened but yet, I think that incidents really taught me something. Taught me to not forever feel insecure. It's my first time ever being in a long distance relationship and I am scared that I'm gonna sucks at it. But, with the support I had, I don't have to be scared anymore. Insecurities will always be there with me. I'm not going to lie about that because all girls will feel the same. And yes, I do believe that trust is all you need when you're far apart because distance only separates you in the eyes, not in the heart. He told me so. And I have no doubts on him. Why should I? I trust him. I've spend almost 10 months with him together and I know he loves me as just the same as I do. Mimie once said to me, she doesn't really believes in 'trust needed when you're far apart'. She believed that when two person are separated by distance, they must have the feeling of needing each other and that what makes them always feel closed. And I am not saying it's wrong. For me, it's also true. When both of you needed each other, you won;t even forget each other. And I believed in that too. There are so many things that people keep saying about long distance relationship. Some also give negatives response, but it's just part of their opinion. The rest is all belong to me. I'm the one who's experiencing it, and I believe in my relationship. That's all matter. Can't wait for May to come. Dear May, please come sooner :) 

Believer,

Nurul Hidayah

I CHOOSE TO LOVE

I guess, I just have to endure this feeling. Can't do anything about it anymore. It's between me and my heart. There's nothing else I can do. Nobody understands. Nobody really know about this person, which is me. Nobody knows. This feeling, I'll hide it with all the smile I have. I thought this is what we called sacrifice, but sooner or later,I feel like I'm a joke. Am I the only one who keep chasing when 'the other part of me' is not? Do I look that desperate cause I do feel like I'm a joke to everyone. Why can't I just stay away? Why can't I just forget? It's because I love. Yes, I love. I have thousand of reasons to be apart, but this love is stronger than any of that reasons. I stay cause I love. Don't tell me what to do. I'm maybe a joke, but this love is no joke. It's true. So, in the end, I endured this, and be a joke to everyone. Looking like a fool, just because I love. Is it wrong to love?

Enduring.

HOROSCOPE SAYINGS #1

Found this on Tumblr. Well, in Islam, we are not suppose to believe about the horoscope thingy. But, if only it tells about what our future will be. If the horoscope tells us about our personalities or something like that, it is okay, to actually believe it. I'm not that kind of girl who actually believe in this thing, but this post on Tumblr, did make me realize something. My horoscope is Scorpio and him is Taurus. Now, let's see what the horoscope tells about me and him. I mean, our personalities. 

SCORPIO - The Addict (October 23 to November 21) 

*Me is on November 20*

EXTREMELY adorable. Loves to joke. Very good sense of humor. Will try almost anything once. Loves to be pampered. Energetic. Predictable. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Loves being in long relationship. Talkative. Loves to party but at times to the extreme. Loves the smell and feel of money and is good at making it but just as good as spending it! Very protective over loved ones. HARD workers. Can be a good friend but if is disrespected by a friend, the friendship will end. Romantic. Caring.

TAURUS - The Tramp (April 20 - May 20) 

*Him is on May 17*

Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight. Fight for what they want. Can be annoying at times, but for the love of attention. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. They can be self-centered and if they want something, they will do anything to get it. They love to sleep and can be lazy One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth.

And you know what I've found? I've found this is great. Actually, it's kind of true. Some of it is true. Really true. Even both of us have this same personality in horoscope, which is loves being in long relationships. Yes, we like that. And hoping that we can keep this relationship forever. Sometimes, horoscope can be interesting. Most of the saying is actually true, whether it's about me or him. And I actually laugh when I came across to read this. Haha. He is one of a kind that will fight and try anything to get what they want. He is that one of kind that just make me love him more. I'm thankful to have him even after all that we've been through. With all those tears, screaming and laughing. We still love each other. 

The Addict, 

Nurul Hidayah.

IT'S ALL ABOUT 2013!

HEY THERE PEOPLE, 

Phs are just too mainstream.

Well first of all, I do wanna say Happy 2013 peeps. Time sure running so fast now. And I am unofficially 19 and will be official in abt 11 months more. Luls, who cares? I'm still 19. Haha I don't really hope much for this year. All I ever hope is just that let me change for good and be a better person. I know this new year won't even be nice to me like all the other years did except for my childhood years. So, I just hope I can face everything with my head up high and a smile on my face. It is better for me to just keep quiet when it hurts. (If you know what I mean) It won't change anything if I keep on arguing abt him. Men are just men which is so true and there's nothing I can do abt him. I just can pray and hope that someday he'll realize that this girl loves him with all her heart and she didn't expect more from him, she just wanted to be love. Yeah, I want him to actually appreciates me. Another hope for a new year. Hmp, I can't back down now cause I am not going to be weak just by small matters. I'll just keep on fighting and move on for the sake of my own future. Well, that is all. I don't really know what to wish on this new year post. All I hope is just that everything will gets better. In shaa Allah :)

The End. 

REMINDER

Someday you just have to remind yourself that it'll all be okay. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but one day. Saying it enough that one day you'll actually believe it. Remind yourself that things have changed, it changed for a reason, people change for a reason. You just have to let go and move on. It's going to be hard and you're gonna feel lonely but just hold on, cause who's to say tomorrow won't be the best day of your life?

The End.

ALIEN'S WORLD.

I have never feel like I'm an alien before. But this time, I think I am. I didn't really feel like I'm in my own class and my own life. It's like, someone out there is now the one that takes control and plans everything for my life. I don't even get the chance to make my own decision. And I hate it. I'm 18 tho. None of 18 y/o teenagers like to be treat this way. yeah, but that's not the point actually. Being in semester 2 in Asasi TESL program is a good thing for me. And I am so glad that I am still in this course as I really wanted to. But in semester 2, everything has changed. Even the class. And the worse part is, I got to be in the same class with certain of people I don't want to be with. The best part is that I am still in the same class with my froggy and my boyfriend. But its kinda awkward being in the same class with your loved one, I men girlfriend/boyfriend. It is awkward. But as he said, "you should try to adapt the 'lantak lah' attitude in your life and you'll be fine". And I do actually take that advice. Wow me! Haha. But I kinda stressed out being in this new class. New people, new friends all over again. But, this time, I already knew the people and I don't really have the interest in get to know them deeper. Yknow what I mean. Huh~ What a life. This time, I really have to be a survivor. I really do. I hope I can make it through all this semester and this 5 months with pleasure. I don't really know what to tell in this post actually cause I've lost so many words to describe this semester. Like Froggy l asked me, "One word for this new class?" and I answered "Boring". It is. Frankly speaking, it is. Nothing interesting tho. Oh my, I really have to end this post or I'll start to get stressed out and so mentally breakdown. Dear myself, be yourself, practice the 'lantak lah' attitude and stay awesome pleaseeeee. Hahaha. 

P/S: Thanks to Yana, Mek, Ica and Qistina for making me feel better tonight. We'll do that again some other days okay. XO, 

The End. 

2:32 IN THE MORNING.

Did you ever have this moment when you try to sleep at night but you just can’t get away from being over-thinking? And you started to cry and hoping that someone will be there, hugging you and say “Everything is going to be alright”. My night is always the same. When I try to get a sleep, I’ll start staring at the ceiling and started thinking. You won’t like it if I start to think. I hate it when I start to think. But my mind will always keep moving until I really fall asleep or fainted maybe.  And tonight, I can’t sleep again and I started to think and wall-dreaming for awhile. So, I decided to blog. It’s raining heavily here at my place tonight. So does my eyes. I’ve wet my little purple and Wanda. I’ve always hated and scared of late night heavy rain, with all the thunder and lightning. And tonight just make my night became worse. Yeah, worse.  I do hope for someone to actually lie next to me and hug me. “Go to sleep, everything will get better when you open your eyes the next morning. Don’t be afraid to close your eyes. I’ll give you the sweetest dream and delete the nightmare”. These simple words from that someone can just make me feel better. Tonight is the worse cause I blog. If it isn’t hurting me, I won’t blog at 2:32 a.m. in the morning, I never did.  I’m torturing myself every night thinking about someone that doesn’t even bother to think about me. It hurts. I’ve made through last night without crying and I'm gonna make through tonight either. But tears just won’t stop. Hear my thoughts through my tears and you’ll know how much it hurts. 

The  End.

HIS PAST MEETS ME.

The feeling of insecure. As a girl, I really can't get away from feeling insecure. Especially when the shit moment comes. The shit moment when your boyfriend's ex still wants him and try everything she could to get him back. I know I shouldn't feel insecure because people say that "If he really loves you, he won't fall back to his ex. There's a reason why she's call as his ex." Yeah, I think they're right. But I still have this feeling. Can't get it away from my life. My life's experience taught me so much. "Men are just men" Blair Waldorf said. They won't change. There's this one drama I watch where his wife said wen she found out that he is cheating on her that, "As a woman, we have to take care 9 lust with just 1 mind. And men, they just have to take care of 1 lust with 9 mind. But if a woman can stand 9 lust with 1 mind and still can protect their one and only love in their heart, why cant man with 9 mind and 1 lust?" I think she got the point. Well, obviously she was given a script by the director. But that phrase, I just cant forget. But this isn't a marriage, we're just 'In a relationship..' status. I hope I have future with him. I really do. But when his past just came back, I don't know what else to do. I'm just insecure. That's it. I can't fight. No matter how hard I fight, if he's gonna pick that girl, I'm gonna lose anyway. I'm tired. I really am. After one, to another one. Why must this happen? I know I have the right to be jealous about this. Well yeah, I am suppose to be. His ex is trying to beg him to come back and he was like, trying to confront her which he should not have to. He can just say no. Sometimes, I really want to ask him, is he really gets over of his ex? But I just can't. Don't have the guts too. I'm afraid that the question might be the end for us. I have to trust on him. I love him. So, I have to. Insecure and jealousy are really killing me right now. I still got so many wounds to mend, another wound just come and make my heart ache. Oh gosh. Relationship can be so tiring and hard. I am so weak, I can't fight anymore. So I hope he'll see what we have now and just move on. Frankly speaking, I want him to just stay away from his past. Cause everything seems so perfect to him back then before we met. I'd tackle everything for him all these while, these 3 months. I hope he sees that and try to understand that his attitude with his ex right now, really hurts me. It really is hurting me. But I'll just hide everything. Hide my tears, my sorrow, my sadness, for his happiness. And dear his ex, please let him move on. I'll take care of him for you. And for myself too. Just stay away. I don't want to pick a fight. Girls fighting over a guy is so not cool. So, let him go. I'll fetch him with my bare hands. I'll make him happy. Just let us go. Give us our happiness. You had him once. This time, he's mine. So, please. I'm tired. 

Love,

Nurul Hidayah.