Hey birthday girl, smile please

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. 

Finally, after waiting for too long, I'm officially 19 now. And guess what, it wasn't the birthday I've ever dreamed of. I cried almost every time when I'm alone this whole day. I'm missing my mom, I'm missing home, I'm missing my bestfriend, I'm missing my man. I'm sick. Mixed feeling, can't control my emotions. I can break down so easily whenever someone ask me "Why?". Just don't ask, not now. Not when I'm in a fragile moment. Every year, I'll celebrate my birthday with joy, laughter, love and people I care the most around me. But not now. Not today. Not this year. This is the bad birthday I've ever had. I don't even feel like celebrating it. 

I'm hallucinating of being at home right now. And just be happy in my room. Feeling satisfy, feeling like a princess. The more I write, the more tears fall down from my face. I've tried not to cry. But these tears just won't listen. It keeps on falling down. Like a waterfall that will never stop falling. What I need the most right now is not presents. I need a hug. A hug from mom to tell me that everything will be okay and she'll be here with me all along. I need it the most. I need my man to sit next to me and keep on repeating 'I Love You' so it can make my heart feels better. I need my sisters to be around me, so I can laugh at their attempt to make jokes and make me smile. I need my bestfriend to be here with me, to wipe my tears away whenever it falls. 

Ya Allah, for my birthday this year, I won't ask for more, all I want from you is to forgive all my sins and please please please give me the strength to move on for another month and this will all be over InsyaAllah. And please protect the people I care the most from Satan, pain, sins, and anything bad. Please give me strength. Cause I need it. 

Hey birthday girl, happy birthday. Smile. For the sake of yourself and people around you.

Mawar.

THAT FEELING WHEN....

I wish I was free like the birds.

Have you ever felt this kind of feeling when people starts to say that you've changed? 

I was so sad to know that. I've been through so many things these days and I can't handle it all by myself. I need someone, someone that I could depend on to actually help me. Give me the strength to keep me alive and happy. But, here comes the moment that I hate. On one fine day, when everything was almost be a better day, my brother said this to me "I miss you so much adik. Where's my old adik? The one that used to be so talkative, the one that always annoys me, the one that keep being happy all the time. I miss that adik Not this adik besides me. Not this adik that keeps crying all the time and quiet" It hurts me when I hear it. I never thought I've could change into that person. I thought I've keep my feelings deep down in my heart until no one could notice it. But someone did notice it. When I get back to college, my friends started saying this " I miss the old Nurul lah. She used to be so hyperactive and annoying but in the awesome way" It even hurts me so much when my own friends, my best friend started to notice my changes. I sit for awhile, trying to think, what did I do? Did I really change into some girl that live with a sorrow life. I never thought I've could become this way. I've been through a lot of depression these days, I cry a lot, sometimes I even ignore my friends and start being alone. Everything I do, I'll keep it to myself. Hopefully no one will bother me. This feeling right now, I wish I could just delete it and refresh. But I can't change what I am now. I try to be happy, to be the old me for the sake of my brother, my best friends and my man. Even me, myself, I hate when I've change into this sorrow person. I want to be happy again. I want to feel how to be so hyperactive and annoying again. I want to be me. I want to be Nurul. Ya Allah, please ease everything that I'll do in my life, give me the strength to face every obstacles that will came in my way. I'll always chase for my happiness. And dear abg, Ain, Mek and Iqa, sorry if I've hurt you guys by changing into this sorrow person. I just need my time to forget what had happened to me before and start a new beginning of my life now. Thanks for loving me guys. Sorry. 

Love, Nurul Hidayah♛

LEFT OUT?

Have you ever feel the feeling when you've transferred to a new place and need to adapt a new life there, but then you've been left out by some people and all out of sudden you miss your girls and your best friend?

I've felt now. In fact, I am 'feeling' it now. Basically, I don't even think I've been left out by those people here, it's just that, some people, that I've considered as the closest friend I have here is slowly walking away from my life. Why? That is the question that I keep asking myself. Do I have done any wrong to them? There's no real reason by all this thing that happen. It came out of nowhere. Maybe, it's the time for me to be alone now. I' maybe better off alone. Cause there's saying that 'You've to fight for your life even if it means you have to fight alone'. Being alone, doesn't mean I have no friends. I do have friends, but they're nothing like my girls, Lilo and Aimi. The true girls in my life. 

I miss them soo much. I miss our girl's day out, I miss our shopping spring, I miss our karaoke tense out day, I miss everything. After what had happened to Lilo, we've never experienced those kind of days anymore. Everything is lost. Our, which means me and Aimi's strength has gone. There's no one like these girls. I can;t find girls like them anywhere. I grow with these girls. They're my strength. And this is the time when I need them. Let me be alone, I don't care. I still have people who love me. Being left out is never a bad thing, it's actually teaches you, who's your true friend is :) I'm standing still alone and proud. Forever will be.

Meet Aimi, a.k.a my baby <3

Meet Lilo, my sunshine, my strength, my twinnies <3

Love, Nurul Hidayah♛

ALL BY YOURSELF~

Assalammualaikum, 
Dear readers♥

Look at the distance...

It has been 3 weeks that I've been away from my mom. Its kinda awkward cause mom and I never been separated this long. Even when Im in the boarding school, mom always visited me. Seriously. I do miss mom right now. But, this is one of the challenge that I need to face to become a successful daughter to my parents. But I am so glad that I've a supportive mom. She only call me several times in a week. But we always talked to each other through Facebook. She gives me a lot of advises about studying, friends, Islamic thingy and so on. I know that mom will never forget me or neglect me. No mom would do that to their children. Living here, by my own, is kinda difficult. Cause its kinda new environment to me. I need to find my own food for a day, I need to manage my financial all by myself, I need to take care of myself and everything that I do is all by my own. Im still trying to manage this kind of thing to adapt into my life. And I know I can do it. Mom is always right here besides me, like an angel :) Hehe. Well, living by my own really shows me how the real world is. The real people. The real friends. Everything has been revealed. Hahahaha. *Mojo Jojo laugh* Anyway, the point is, even though its kinda little stress studying here, but I still having so much fun here. With my classmates, my roommates esp. InsyaAllah I'll never feel regret studying here. InsyaAllah. And dear mom, if you read this. I miss you mommy :) I miss your cakes, your 'puding's, your cooking ofc :) I'll be back to Ipoh by the first week of Ramadhan. Wait for me mom :D 

Love, Nurul Hidayah♛

WORDS CAN LIE.

Assalammualaikum♥

 Yeah, read the title. It is true. Words can always lie. And never tell you the truth. People keep saying that I am one strong and tough girl through reading my blog, my Facebook status, my tweet. This is all words. And like I say, words can lie. I am not tha strong as people describe I am. I never have the strenght to actually go through all this heart breaks and this hacing a crush on someone that doesnt notice me thingy and wtv it is happening to my life. I always try to be a soldier. Fight everything that might get in my way to happiness. But I just cant. My brain keep saying NO to me, but my heart is dying to change. And keep saying YES, I have to move on. But I read this one quote on Tumblr, "Never give up on something you're dying to have earlier" I've waited for this thing, for my crush almost 2 years, why should I give up? But then, my heart says " He doesnt love you, doesnt even notice you were right there for him, everytime he needs a shoulder. He's in love with other girl. You're not the one he wanted " *sigh* My heart and my mind kept arguing whether I should stay or give up and move on. I dont know. I still cant make my own decision. All I do now is trying to be a strong girl with blogging about I can do this, tweeting about you, update my Facebook status about how Im trying so hard to let you go. But nahh, nothing works. When people read my blogm, they say "You're on tough girl, stay strong" They read it with their eyes, they were just see and knows everything by reading these words Im typing. But if someone read these words with their hearts, they will know how much I torture myself to just forget about you. How Im trying so hard to just leave you to the past and move one with new life. No one ever read this with their hearts. But its ok, I dont blame them. I am not trying to show people how much Im suffering because of love. Im just trying to spill everything that i couldnt say with my mouth. I can only type it and it makes me feel better. I have friends with me. Friends that keep supporting me. And I am so glad to have them in my life. but still, one man can change a woman's life. And you've change mine. I used to be a happy girl and the live of the party. And now, I am the emo one that keep letting tears flow out from my eyes. I try to not cry, but tears keep flowing out. I think it is time, a serious time for me to stop  crying and build my life back. If one day someone could break all this wall around my heart, Im pretty sure, he's going to be the one. And if that person is you, I'll keep on waiting. Allah knows what's better for me. I should start letting you go. Cause if you're meant to me, we will be together someday. Just remember, words can lie, but heart?  They always know the truth.

Love, Nurul Hidayah♥