"I typed my life because I don't want to forget each moment. I'm Nurul Hidayah, 20. Muslimah. Malaysian
They don't even know that somehow words can be more hurt than bullets."

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Hey birthday girl, smile please

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. 
Finally, after waiting for too long, I'm officially 19 now. And guess what, it wasn't the birthday I've ever dreamed of. I cried almost every time when I'm alone this whole day. I'm missing my mom, I'm missing home, I'm missing my bestfriend, I'm missing my man. I'm sick. Mixed feeling, can't control my emotions. I can break down so easily whenever someone ask me "Why?". Just don't ask, not now. Not when I'm in a fragile moment. Every year, I'll celebrate my birthday with joy, laughter, love and people I care the most around me. But not now. Not today. Not this year. This is the bad birthday I've ever had. I don't even feel like celebrating it. 

I'm hallucinating of being at home right now. And just be happy in my room. Feeling satisfy, feeling like a princess. The more I write, the more tears fall down from my face. I've tried not to cry. But these tears just won't listen. It keeps on falling down. Like a waterfall that will never stop falling. What I need the most right now is not presents. I need a hug. A hug from mom to tell me that everything will be okay and she'll be here with me all along. I need it the most. I need my man to sit next to me and keep on repeating 'I Love You' so it can make my heart feels better. I need my sisters to be around me, so I can laugh at their attempt to make jokes and make me smile. I need my bestfriend to be here with me, to wipe my tears away whenever it falls. 

Ya Allah, for my birthday this year, I won't ask for more, all I want from you is to forgive all my sins and please please please give me the strength to move on for another month and this will all be over InsyaAllah. And please protect the people I care the most from Satan, pain, sins, and anything bad. Please give me strength. Cause I need it. 

Hey birthday girl, happy birthday. Smile. For the sake of yourself and people around you.