"I typed my life because I don't want to forget each moment. I'm Nurul Hidayah, 20. Muslimah. Malaysian
They don't even know that somehow words can be more hurt than bullets."

Thursday, November 1, 2012


The feeling of insecure. As a girl, I really can't get away from feeling insecure. Especially when the shit moment comes. The shit moment when your boyfriend's ex still wants him and try everything she could to get him back. I know I shouldn't feel insecure because people say that "If he really loves you, he won't fall back to his ex. There's a reason why she's call as his ex." Yeah, I think they're right. But I still have this feeling. Can't get it away from my life. My life's experience taught me so much. "Men are just men" Blair Waldorf said. They won't change. There's this one drama I watch where his wife said wen she found out that he is cheating on her that, "As a woman, we have to take care 9 lust with just 1 mind. And men, they just have to take care of 1 lust with 9 mind. But if a woman can stand 9 lust with 1 mind and still can protect their one and only love in their heart, why cant man with 9 mind and 1 lust?" I think she got the point. Well, obviously she was given a script by the director. But that phrase, I just cant forget. But this isn't a marriage, we're just 'In a relationship..' status. I hope I have future with him. I really do. But when his past just came back, I don't know what else to do. I'm just insecure. That's it. I can't fight. No matter how hard I fight, if he's gonna pick that girl, I'm gonna lose anyway. I'm tired. I really am. After one, to another one. Why must this happen? I know I have the right to be jealous about this. Well yeah, I am suppose to be. His ex is trying to beg him to come back and he was like, trying to confront her which he should not have to. He can just say no. Sometimes, I really want to ask him, is he really gets over of his ex? But I just can't. Don't have the guts too. I'm afraid that the question might be the end for us. I have to trust on him. I love him. So, I have to. Insecure and jealousy are really killing me right now. I still got so many wounds to mend, another wound just come and make my heart ache. Oh gosh. Relationship can be so tiring and hard. I am so weak, I can't fight anymore. So I hope he'll see what we have now and just move on. Frankly speaking, I want him to just stay away from his past. Cause everything seems so perfect to him back then before we met. I'd tackle everything for him all these while, these 3 months. I hope he sees that and try to understand that his attitude with his ex right now, really hurts me. It really is hurting me. But I'll just hide everything. Hide my tears, my sorrow, my sadness, for his happiness. And dear his ex, please let him move on. I'll take care of him for you. And for myself too. Just stay away. I don't want to pick a fight. Girls fighting over a guy is so not cool. So, let him go. I'll fetch him with my bare hands. I'll make him happy. Just let us go. Give us our happiness. You had him once. This time, he's mine. So, please. I'm tired. 

Nurul Hidayah.