"I typed my life because I don't want to forget each moment. I'm Nurul Hidayah, 20. Muslimah. Malaysian
They don't even know that somehow words can be more hurt than bullets."

Monday, January 2, 2012



Dear Readers, 
This may not be the an interesting to be read. But Im writing about it cause now I've no place to talk when my best friend is in the hospital . I kinda hate myself for what I've be in my PAST. Yes, its all about the PAST. Its already 2012 and Im still talking about the past. I was hoping this page 2 of 366 pages would be okay for me. But its just not . Its horrible. I still have 364 pages more to go . The reason Im writing about this PAST thingy is because of this issue Im having with my grandma. I called her Opah. As most of you know, my mom and my dad got divorced when I was 13. Its kinda hard for me earlier but time past. And Im getting used to it now. Its already been about 2 years since they're divorced. Like I did, mom always talk with her mom, which is my Opah, about her problems. No matter what. About her life, about her husband, about us, *I mean me and my sisters* and almost everything in her life. It was okay for me first, but now Its getting worst. Its not that I hate the conversation between her and opah. Its just that I hate when they started to talk about my dad. My biological dad. Yeah, my real dad. Mom always blames dad for everything that happened between them. I may not know the real issue between them. But mom and opah shouldnt talk about it in front of me or even my sisters. They kept saying bad things about dad. And it hurts me. Cause they're talking about my dad. He's my dad. The hero of my life. No matter what he had did in the past, he's regret all of it now. And I know it because he's my dad. And Im her first daughter in his life. It takes time for him to change. Like I did. I've done so many things that I know I had hurt my mom, but now, Im change. So do my dad. I know I am not supposed to say these things on the blog cause you guys are gonna read this and start talking about my family. But its okay, say what you want. Its my right to write what I want. I have nobody to talk to unless my blog. And my blog, she gots name. Her name is Fizzy. Dont call her blog. Call her Fizzy. Thanks for that. Back to the real story. I really am mad if someone trying to talk bad about my dad. Cause I grew up with him. I spent my 13 years in the world with him. He's the one who's with me when I was little. He's the one who celebrates birthday together with me since I was little. *its because we both born on November* And he's the one who keeps me secure 24/7 until I was 13. And now, everything is gone and I know Allah planned it for good, for my mom's happiness. But no matter what, mom cant just kept blaming him for not feeling responsible to me and my sisters.  Mom need to understand how dad works. He works non-stop. He got only like 2 days off in a month. He works 24/7 to pay everything. He pays the Astro bill, he pays the car, he gives my monthly pocket money, and he's the one who gave me money when Im in need of it. He works hard enough to get money for me, for my sisters, for himself and even for almost us, family. At the bottom of his heart, I know, he still consider us as a family. And he still loves you mom. That's the reason why he's still not married yet even he had the chance to with Aunt 'whatever-her-name-was' . * I forgot her name* I am soo sorry for blogging the whole issue about this, about my family. And mom, If you finally read this, Im deeply wanted you to know that stop saying bad things about dad in front of me and my sisters. I dont want my sisters to know everything about the past, dad's past. Let the past be a history and we have to learn from that. I want my sisters to think that dad is the only hero in our hearts. Please mom, Stop blaming that for everything. He's trying. He's dying trying to change. He wants you to see that. But he dont have the chance to cause you never believed in him. Im sorry mom for these words im using. Im trying to protect my dad like he did before. I love both of you. I love you mom and I love you dad. But this, have to stop. I know that Im just 18, even not officially 18. But we kids, need supports and love from both of our parents. I am glad to have 2 fathers in my life. None of my friend have what I have now. Lets keep it clear. Dont make me regret for choosing you and not dad, mom. I dont wanna be a disrespect daughter to you. So, I hope. You'll stop whatever conversation that you had with opah about dad. Thanks. 

Pheuuw, I do feel relieved now. Im sorry if you guys have to read this. But im just trying. Trying to talk. Even if Fizzy is not a person, I know she's a good listener. And Allah, He listens too. 

#2 Best Friend Story :
"Lilo, can you just stop crying? I cant stand to look at you, keep crying when I pay you a visit. I want you to be strong. I know it really hurts you. But you really need to be strong. For everyone arounds you. Everyone loves you. Me too. I want to see you to be healthy again and that is why you have to be strong. Stop crying. Try to fight it. Cause I know you can do it. Allah wont give this test to you if you just couldnt fight it. I know you can. I believed in you and always do. You're my big sister and you have my fully support. Be strong and I'll be waiting. Love you sissy! :* "

-A Writer To Be-