"I typed my life because I don't want to forget each moment. I'm Nurul Hidayah, 20. Muslimah. Malaysian
They don't even know that somehow words can be more hurt than bullets."

Wednesday, January 4, 2012



Dear readers, my 2012 didnt goes the way I hope it will. This is the page 4 in this 366 pages book and this page is worst. I wish I could just torn it out. I feel bad about myself. im being a totally jerk in a relationship. I dont think Im ready for having a serious relationship with anyone. High expectations can lead me to heart breaks. I dont wanna put too much hopes on some guy whom I dont even know if he's going to be my husband or not. I dont blame love. I dont blame the man Im in love now. i blame myself. I wasnt that good enough for any guy. Im just not ready. Maybe I think too much about this and now, I've finally realise what's happening to me. Im hurting people. I hurt my friends, I hurt my boy, I hurt everyone around me. Im a jerk. Totally a jerk. Im cruel. Yess, I am. Dont be friends with me. Im annoying, dont come near to me. Let me be invisible like I used to before. When no one even know Im exists. Im better off that way. I dont want to be what I am now. Cause all I ever know is hurting people. I hurt my boy alot. I know he's hurting inside. but he's not showing it off to me cause he was scared that I might blaming myself. But I am blaming myself now cause it really is my fault. I dont care about other people. I just care about me. Imma selfish. Can you just shrink me just like 'Honey, I shrunk The Kids' movie. Let me be small girl in a big world. I dont want anyone to see me. Cause Im totally jerk. I can be a freak, or weirdo, but I never thought I could end up being a jerk. I hate myself. I hate me. Now, everyone is hurt just because of me. I shouldnt be exists here. This is not the place where I belong. I belong to a tiny dark place and being left alone. There is where I should be. Dear syg, I am so sorry cause I've hurt you too much. There's too much pain for you to carry. Let me take those pain and just go away. I just want you to be happy. And without me, you will be. I love you. There's no man like you. You treat me nicely and I dont. I guess Im not the one for you. But I am sorry. I need to think this over. 

-A Writer To Be-