"I typed my life because I don't want to forget each moment. I'm Nurul Hidayah, 20. Muslimah. Malaysian
They don't even know that somehow words can be more hurt than bullets."

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Dear Heart

Now, All I wanna do is speak to my heart . The only heart that I have  . The only heart that carries all the problems, all the pain, all the happiness and everything I feel everyday of my life. This heart surely a strong heart even its just a little heart. Nobody ever knows about it cause this heart belongs to me. The only person who understand this heart. 

I am feeling left alone now . Feel lonely. I feel like there's nobody in my life, nobody gonna be here when im in need of them. Nobody's gonna stand up for me, nobody's gonna feel the way I feel and what hurt most is Nobody to love me. I treat everyone I love like I wanna be love. But maybe, they just dont understand. Cause im just this annoying girl who annoys people. Yeah, I do know how 'they' describe me in my mind. I do know about it. Im a human too, I do have feelings. I didnt say that I know everything. But sometimes, we dont need words to describe feelings. Listen to your heart and you feel it, and you're going to understands it. Trust me. All time I ever lived, I feel everything to my heart. Hm, I am alone right now and in fact, I am forever alone. Even I have the Internet with me, the facebookers, the skypers, the tweethearts and so on, but still. Im being left alone. I just need a person who always there right next to me. I used to have that person in my life. That one  person who always be there for me and stand up for me. Sometimes we do have a fight and arguing about stupid things, but that person will never leave me alone. But now, everything's gone. Everything I ever had is gone. I cried. Every night before sleep, I cried. Im so scared that someday, the people I love will leave me for the reason I dont even know myself. And now, that day has come. I feel like everyone keep avoiding me for nothing. Im such a loser . I believed that I can have a normal life like other girls do. But I dont . Im just another girl with freaking bullshit life and always be at the corner being left alone. Im fcking bullshit. Ergghh, now im cursing myself for the people I love. Its okay, Its all right. I would do anything for them. Even if they realise or not. Everyone has their own right to choose their friend or lover, if Im not the one to be choose, I'll be okay. Cause thats the only thing and the only lie I know that I do have to do if Im being left out alone. And faking a smile is always my routine for my daily life :) <---- Look, I am smiling right. I write, I type, I post everything I feel in the Internet, on my blog cause this is the only way I can express my feelings. Cause when I speak, my heart wont let me speak what I feel inside it. Call me a jerk, stupid, pathetic or whatever you want. I have a heart that have feelingS inside. I know how I feels. Let me cry all night if that is the only thing I can do. Thanks little heart for always be there with me. For always bear all the pain I feel.