"I typed my life because I don't want to forget each moment. I'm Nurul Hidayah, 20. Muslimah. Malaysian
They don't even know that somehow words can be more hurt than bullets."

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Dear Bloggy

I know, Allah is testing me right now. He gave me this pain and this heartache to teach me to be strong, to be a woman with power like i ever dream of.But this test is really hard for me to face it. I dont think i can get trough it easily. I always pray and hoping that one day, i'll meet a guy that knows how to treat me well and respect me for who i am and willing to cry for me even he needs to cry in front of people. And now, i'd found one. As you know, its Iman. I love this guy so much and i dont think i can live even for a second without him cause i need him no matter in what thing i do. He always be the most needed person when im in need of someone. But when this situation happen between us, this is the time i know that something bad going to happens. I had a feeling saying that "He cheats on you dido, he had another girl besides you" "He never stay true to you, you make him bored" "The reason he stays is just because he feels he's responsible to you because your mom gave him the responsible" I dont wanna have this kind of feelings, i wanna be happy, happy being together with him, the guy i love the most other than my daddy. I wish he knew that. If im really bored him, why dont he just dumped me and find another girl that better than me, but still he doesnt leave me and thats makes me feel that he still loves me. But i dont know who to trust or who to believe. I love him and always love him, that is why i just cant dump him and try to be okay. No, its not me. I rather talk about this with him or i'll die. Hm, i just want him to know that everything i do, any paranoid act that i act, its all because of him. Because im afraid of losing him. I want Iman to know, that he's the man that i wanna marry, the man i want my husband to be and the man for my Alyssa and Adam. I dont want anything bad happen between us, even if there's a girl trying to seduce him, i kill that girl and became a murderer if i have to. Once he ask me "Bby, mcm mana kalau ada perempuan dtg mengurat bie? Apa bby buat ha?" And i'll just answered "Biar jela, itu terpulang dekat bie lah. Kalau bie layan, tinggalkn bby, kalau bie tak layan, biar dia syok sendiri" I might have said that, but thats not what i mean, i never want him to leave him, like i said, i kill that girl if i have to. Hm, I always cried, cried for him. Cried about losing him someday cause i dont want that to happens, and i get this text from my lovely cousin Najat :

"Kalau Allah takdirkan dia jdodoh kau, korang akan together juga babe. Jangan mcm ni, semua yg Allah tetapkan untuk kau, sakit mcm mne pun, kau kena ingat semua yg Allah dah susun, tetapkan, itulah susunan dan ketetapan yg terbaik, paling cantik utk kau. Kau kena yakin dgn Allah. Kalau bukan skrg kau together, boleh jd satu hari nnt. Kita tak boleh predict, tapi kita boleh doa, kita boleh ambil masa. Skrg jd yg terbaik utk pasangan kita, ubah mana2 yg silap, mana2 yg rasa tak cukup lg. Ingat, semua yg Allah tetapkan utk kau, yg Allah susun, itu yg terbaik utk kau. Yakin tuh"

After i got the text, i cried even more than i do at that time. The reason i cried is because i'd question the thing that Allah did for me. Allah is giving me this test cause He loves me. He wants me to became a better Muslim. And i realised that nothing would happen to me if its not Allah's work. I believe in Him. And Iman, i was just hoping that everything between us will be okay. Cause i love you no matter what. I put hopes on you. Not just HOPE but hopeS . Remember that, and even if you dont love me anymore, just let me knew and i'll try to make you love me. Sincerely, the girl with water eyes. 

Dear Iman :

  • I don’t want you to be another person that eventually leaves.
  • I don’t want us to suddenly stop talking.
  • I don’t want us to become strangers after becoming good friends.
  • I don’t want you to disappear after becoming a part of my daily routine.
  • I don’t want you to be another person in my life that eventually driftsaway from me like everybody else did.
  • I don’t want us to stop.